I know what you’re thinking. But I swear that there were very comedic reasons for donning the above getup.

It all started a few years ago when I was sent on my ‘two weeks a year’ annual training for the National Guard. The people who interrogate War Prisoners needed to do some training, and as such they needed someone to interrogate. So a group of linguists, including yours truly, was designated to pretend to be war prisoners for a week, and we would be interrogated by the IPW (Interrogator: Prisoners of War) people.  It was a grueling time, as we had 24 hours on / six hours off shifts. During that week I played the roles of defecting Iraqi soldiers, captured terrorists, a grade-school janitor who was discovered hiding explosives in the closet, etc. 

I was having fun despite sleep deprivation and being treated as a prisoner of war - pretending to be these people, and making the interrogators work a bit in order to get a confession.

One particular role was the part of a prostitute who was captured with the enemy, and had some information about the enemies' officer's quarters. This role was handed to a girl in the group, but once she mentioned it, the whole group instantly decided that it would be MUCH funnier if I played this role. Everyone started snickering, imagining the interrigators' faces when they see a guy in drag. (I guarantee that you don't see that much in the US army - despite Clinton's sheenanigans.)

Everyone grabbed me and took me into the adjacent room, while the female soldiers all went to their rooms to get clothes that would fit me. I had an audience of about a dozen guys howling with laughter as I had my makeup applied, and put on the bra, wig, etc.

Perhaps the most interesting event happened long after I was interrogated and placed in the long-term holding area. I was sleeping and a guy grabbed my leg and said ‘wake up Barlow – the General’s here!’

Sure enough, the Two-Star Major General was making his rounds of the entire training exercise, and evaluating what was going on, followed by the dozen or so captains and majors that always seem to sucking up to Generals, telling him how great and brilliant he is. The colonel who was in charge of the exercise was a bit nervous, as you might imagine, but was proudly showing the General around the operation.

I stepped out of my tent and started walking towards the barbed wire, yelling“Yooo-hooo! Mr. Texaco man! You with stars! Five hundred dollar and I show you night you never forget! You want boom-boom?”

The General hid his eyes, and started laughing, the colonel froze, thinking that he would have a VERY hard time explaining this one away.

Some First Lieutenant walked right up to my face and quietly hissed ‘that… is… suffiCIENT… SOLDIER!’ and he prevented me from walking any closer to the General.  I simply turned and walked away, but on the way, I ‘accidentally’ dropped my purse, and had to bend over and pick it up, whilst waving my derriere at the officers. At this point everyone around was almost dying of laughter, with the exception of the Colonel and the above-mentioned wild-eyed Lieutenant. The General pretended that he didn’t see anything and tried not to laugh as he looked the other way and engaged someone else in conversation.

I ended up getting an award for ‘Energetic and motivated fulfillment of [my] duties.' Needless to say, the other guys in the tent were the ones who put me in for the award, not the officers. When it was presented to me in the awards ceremony, half of the company burst out laughing, knowing full well why I got it.